Crazy Crafty: Mrs. Santa's Got A Brand New Hat

At this point, failure should be no surprise to me.  Nevertheless, I am often shocked by my own missteps, feeling particularly disappointed when said failure results from a supposed area of personal expertise (e.g. crazy homemade hats).   Disappointment abounds in Mr. Tiny's Workshop...

Intent on showing off my wacky tacky Tree Toppers to the family, I paraded them through the living room before the hot glue was even dry.  So busy humming "Pomp and Circumstance," I completely misjudged the time it would take to finish the song before explaining my creations.  I had barely uttered the last "duh-dum" when Mary pounced.  Practically wrenching it from my hands, she perched the snow angel atop her head and covetously inquired if it was to be her Christmas hat.

Why hadn't I thought of that?!!  

Really, why?!!  I mean, I have long held the reputation for turning just about anything into a hat - candy containers, placemats, fruit baskets, paper plates, panty hose and whiffle balls, etc.  If I hadn't thought of transforming my dollar-store delights into headpieces then I was fairly certain that my imagination was broken.  I had failed the holiday.  I had failed myself.  The only way to rectify the situation was to make some holiday headware that would sustain Mary throughout a season's worth of parties.  This year, instead of a Christmas dress, Mary would get a Christmas head-dress - with one caveat; I told her that if I made the hat, she had to wear it to at least one holiday party.

It all began in very much the same way as the tree toppers; the usual suspects included glitter tulle, doll head/hands, graduated bells, pipe cleaner, and pompoms.  The red, white, and black tinsel trimmings came from a deconstructed penguin decoration found at the 99 Cents Store.

As I had used the baby doll head for the snow angel, all I had were the face and hands of a sweet, bespectacled old lady (but enough about me).  Using them, I carefully began transforming the flotsam and jetsam of the craft stash into the merriest of Christmas widows, Mrs. Santa.

I gave Mrs. Santa a full makeover (including a touch up of her eyes, lips, and hair).
She wears a mobcap and proffers a miniature Christmas tree from the cake supply store.
The two-tired skirt works as a veil; the white tinsel trim is wired so the veil can be shaped as needed.

As the hat grew in size and scope, it occurred to me that maybe this might be a bet that even I didn't have the nerve to enforce.  But Mary called my bluff.  Not only did she wear the Mrs. Santa hat to a party - she kind of rocked it.

In a bizarre, crazy Christmas way it works, right?
And when it is not in commission as a hat, it can
be employed as a super-festive toilet paper cozy! 

Mary also upped the ante of the bet; at the very last minute (as we were on our way out the door), she dared me to wear a crazy party hat.  With negative time on my hands and no hat, I grabbed a tinsel tree decoration from the side table, quickly wiring on some ornaments and a bit of elastic to make an "aluminum" christmas tree hat.

Leave it to these two weirdos to show up at a fancy, grown-up
holiday party wearing homemade garbage on their heads.

The strange part is that the hats were actually a hit!  As it turns out, having a Christmas tree sitting on your head is quite the ice-breaker; all evening long conversations began by acknowledging the celephant in the room...and the hat on his head.

"Um...my eyes are down here."

Even Sage, our host for the evening, approved of the ceiling-scraping millinery.
We're sending a plaster repairman next week. 

To balance the sky-high spectacle on her head, Mary wore all vintage - a black '40s dress in rayon crepe, costume jewelry, and a '40s fur jacket.  In spite of the ebullient holiday cheer inherent in Mrs. Santa, the outfit read as a wartime femme fatale in an unlikely and depressing yuletide movie (see: Christmas Holiday).  And so we say to you...

"Merry Christmas and A Happy Noir Year...'Always!'"

"Always" - Deanna Durbin in Christmas Holiday (1944)

Cheers!

Mr. Tiny

Crazy Crafty: wacky tacky Tree Toppers Two Ways

Grandmas are so crafty, spending countless hours leading up to every holiday ping-ponging between their Pfaffs, tangles of yarn and crochet hooks, and shakers full of glitter.  The only thing more comforting than learning the myriad ways in which pom-poms and bits of felt can be transformed into everything from tree skirts to toilet-paper cozies was the warmth of being gathered into the suffocating succor of her bosomy embrace.

This Christmas' Crazy Crafty projects should prove every bit as comforting as granny crafts of yore; but just imagine, instead of a sweet old granny, a large man of equally heavy bosom slinging a glue gun as hot as a two-dollar pistol.  Struggling every year to find the tree topper of my dreams, it finally came time to make one - or two - of my own.

Early drafts of potential tree toppers were expected to follow the cone-shaped body of this
angelic Phyllis Diller lookalike.  But Phyllis' stick-straight lines just weren't going to cut
it for the more womanly angel that I had in mind. 

Inspiration struck in the curvy form of a bell!  As per usual, my craft-making ethos is, "If it ain't in the stash or it can't be found at the 99 Cents Store, then it's probably not going to happen."  So, I headed to the mecca of the impecunious crafter, finding among other sundries a set of three graduated, silver bells.  Gathering metallic rickrack, tinsel pipe cleaner, glitter tulle, and the disembodied doll parts that my brother and his wife found in a dark corner of their garage (p.s.  If you think I'm creepy, what does that say about them and their garage), I began to assemble my angel.

My supplies - if it doesn't include a toilet-paper roll, liquid-soap bottle, or
cottage cheese container then it doesn't really count as a granny craft, does it?

"If I were a bell, I'd be ringing!"

I covered the cardboard roll with colored paper and secured it inside the large bell base.
I shrouded a smaller bell in glitter tulle and finished it with a band of rickrack at the
bottom and at the neckline.

I "fleshed out" the upper arms with tinsel pipe cleaner. 

You little snow angel!

I fashioned the wings and the silver petal peplum out of a deconstructed Christmas flowers from the 99.
The skirt is several layers of the tulle, gathered and then trimmed in rickrack. 

I won't say that my mom was dismayed exactly; perhaps "confused" is a better word for her mental state when she discovered two of her thirty-something sons excitedly discussing the merits of DIY doll making and the results of such.  Forgetting about the bag of doll parts he had donated to the cause, my brother though that the snow angel was vintage - a compliment indeed!

Maybe she couldn't appreciate it because she hadn't notice how liberally
I applied the half-used packet of sticky-backed rhinestones to the skirt.

Never one to leave tacky enough alone, I spied the one remaining unadorned figural lady lamp among the wacky tacky archives (you may recall from the Crazy Crafty post about "The Lady in the Tutti Frutti Lamp" that independently of one another, each of my brother's gave me the same sexy-lady lamp base).  Momentarily angry at myself for heretofore overlooking her obvious holiday charms, I quickly realized that it was not too late to explore her tree-topping potential.

"Merry Christmas, boys!"

Following similar steps to the snow angel tree topper, I made a teal under dress with a full circle skirt and an over dress of teal netting trimmed in iridescent rickrack and rhinestones.

Wanting to disguise the socket, I found among the christmas hoardings a fully-lit, flashing tree topper.
Remembering that there exists such a thing as a socket -to-outlet converter, I hid the wires and plugged it in.

I think the tinsel headdress transforms this snow girl into
 a full-on showgirl - an ode to Electra from Gypsy.

Devil or angel?
I even made her stacks of rickrack-and-rhinestone bangles!

"I'm electrifyin' and I ain't even tryin'!"

Here shine the two of the wacky-tacky-est tree toppers in all of their glittering, yuletide glory.

Do you ever get the feeling, like you've created a cherished family 

heirloom before you've even had time to share your project?

I do.

As you can kind of see, the snow angel was awarded pride of place rather
than our version of "the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window."
It's a good thing for the runner-up that we have erected two christmas trees this year! 

Have you made any Christmas crafts this year?  If you're not thrilled with who sits atop your tree year after year, remember that granny always said, "Idle hands are the devil's playground;" get those holiday hands busy and make your own wacky tacky tree topper!

"You Gotta Get a Gimmick" from Gypsy (1962)

Cheers!

Mr. Tiny

Sew What?! The "Happy Holiday" Frock

People often ask me where I go shopping for the fabrics that I use to create Mary's wardrobe.  The answer is simple - everywhere.  Wherever there is fabric being sold at discounted rates, one will likely find this oversized cheapskate knee-deep in broadcloth, seersucker, tartan plaids, and even metallic upholstery yardage.  It is, in fact, six-and-a-half yards of lamé, ribbed upholstery fabric in crimson and gold, bought at a deep discount at a hole-in-the-wall fabric store, that became Mary's Christmas frock this year.

As usual, my design process meant allowing the fabric to dictate the silhouette.
Surely there are myriad directions one might take with this light-as-a-feather, shimmering,
fantasy fabric, but in my mind, Christmas always calls for an extremely-full skirt!

Adapting the pattern I drafted for Mary's Halloween costume, I made a drop-waisted, boned bodice with princess seam lines.  When Mary wore the dress to a Christmas party last weekend, I was flattered when a new friend complimented my decision to vary the direction of the stripes (vertical on the bodice, horizontal on the skirt).  As much credit as I wanted to take for the clever design choice, I had to come clean that it was merely a byproduct of laziness.  Vertical stripes on the bodice meant I didn't have to worry about matching stripes; horizontal stripes on the skirt meant I could use the full length of the yardage with only one seam at the back.  The real question is, why is it so hard for me to just accept a simple compliment?

If you follow Mr. Tiny on Instagram, you might remember this picture, a
sneaky peek-y of  the dress in progress.  When a fabric I love comes in
multiple colorways, I will almost always buy them all.  Having bought
this material in purple (project pending), red, and acid green, I thought
I could use the latter colors to add a whimsical hip corsage in the form
of holly and berries; when it came time to apply it to the dress, I just
couldn't make myself do it.  Even the king of wacky tacky found the
size and scale of this appliqué a little too whimsical.  Occasionally,
I am forced to admit that in some cases, simplicity really is best. 

While a very-talented friend, and photographer, has graciously offered to take proper pictures of Mary in her new dress, I couldn't resist sharing a couple of photos of the Happy Holiday Frock in action before the big photo shoot.  I figure that it is best to share a couple of "low-budge" images and give you a very honest sense of how regularly unprepared we are to take glamorous photos (the following were taken at two-thirty in the morning on the streets of Los Angeles using an iPhone) and how much we preferred enjoying the scintillating company of the amazing party to pretending we know what to do with a camera.  The lighting and the resolution may both be low but the dress still sparkles!

It is hard to convey the scale of the corsage but I would estimate
that it was roughly the size of her face.  Don't you think I was right
to leave it off?  Even thought the belt was part of my original design,
I sort of hemmed-and-hawed over that decision as well.  In the end, I
think it defines the waist well and breaks up Mary's already-long torso.

Mary was a trooper; it was crazy-cold by Southern
California standards and the only she thing she had to
protect her from the cold night air was the matching wrap...
and the six-and-a-half yards of skirt.  Nary a crinoline nor a
petticoat was needed;the fabric was so airy and voluminous
that the skirt's fullness supported itself!  

What will you be wearing this season?  Do you have a favorite holiday ensemble?  Be you clad in fancy frock or ugly Christmas sweater, we wish you a very Happy Holiday!!!

"Happy Holiday" - Bing Crosby with The Music Maids (1942)

Cheers!

Mr. Tiny

Crazy Crafty: Christmas Corsages

My maternal great-grandmother died before my fifth birthday.  My memory of her - and everything else for that matter - is more than a bit foggy.  To the best of my recollection she was a warm woman who loved her electric organ, loved her giant, desert tortoise, Lollipop, and loved treating the kids in my family to cheese puffs from a cardboard canister, syrupy "juice" drinks from waxy, little bottles, and Sunkist Fruit Gems - favorites to this day (leave it to me to remember little beyond the treats she gave us).

Great-Grandma
I'm disappointed in our imaginations; "Great-Grandma" is exactly what we called her.
At least you can see one source of my sturdy build and substantial upper arm.
(Also, how's this for my first-ever attempt at free, online faux-toshop? )

I think it is impossible to be truly "fancy" in San Bernardino, CA - especially in the days when the town was just a sun-burned, suburban stop long Route 66.  However, as a member in good standing of the Order of the Eastern Star, my great-grandma had plenty of opportunities to wear formals (of her own design and making, of course).  Based on her photographs from the middle part of the 20th Century, it seems that every Eastern Star occasion warranted a fancy formal and one simply could not wear a formal without a corsage - particularly at Christmas.

Even in her waning years, she still donned a full head
of hair, her own(ed) teeth, and a Christmas corsage.  Between the
specs and the corsage, I'm, digging the pink and gold color story!

A Christmas corsage is exactly what it sounds like; overtly festive and overly large, it is like a prom corsage that has been kissed by 1,000 spastic elves.  Traditional features include metallic leaves, miniature ornaments, flocked pine cones, bells, berries, holiday figurines, miles of looped ribbon, and sometimes, just sometimes, flowers.  If you ever wanted to know what it feels like to be your grandma's Christmas tree, just slap on a Christmas corsage and you're halfway there.

"Christmas Corsage: Ideal for table decorations,
boutonnieres, gift wrap trims"
(Source)

It is hard to say exactly why the Christmas corsage has fallen out of favor as the compulsory holiday accessory for women, except for the fact that on the whole they are cheap, gaudy, and usually quite massive.  Oddly enough, these are the exact qualities we seek when selecting our holiday apparel.

These examples of holiday corsages prove that while granny dear
was unique in many things - corsages were not one of them.
(Source 1, 2, 3, 4)

It is difficult to think of Christmas corsages as having an entirely-bad reputation; they have become so déclassé that they really have no reputation at all.  I don't think most folks would know a Christmas corsage from a tacky assemblage of fake florals and holiday trimmings...oh, right...  I suppose it is entirely possible that they are still a part of every festive woman's holiday ensemble in some areas of the world, but this year, I'm making it my mission to pin a little more wacky tacky onto the bosom of American womanhood.

The inspiration for my crazy crafting came from both the
photos of my great-grandmother and this lone, vintage
corsage that I had among all of my holiday hoardings.

Here is my recreation, using only materials that I had on hand.
Thanks to a few friends, I had the vintage bell ornament, miniature
toadstool, and Christmas tree.  I made the candy cane out of pipe
cleaner and the rest came from the flower section of my own personal
craft emporium.  I bound all of the wire and stems together with green,
velvet ribbon and dusted the whole thing with clear glitter.

Because I made all of the women in my life promise to wear a corsage this year, I decided that I had to make a few that were traditional and slightly more subdued in nature.

Somehow, they still turned out giant, glittery, and weird.

Figuring that any further attempt at making an understated Christmas corsage would be futile, I started deconstructing and reconstructing every bit and bob in my stash. 

This one started out as a few different tree
ornaments found at a local thrift store.

Elements of this corsage began life as a
holiday spray at the 99 Cents Only Store.

Like a wacky tacky take on the traditional primary colors,
I think aqua, red, gold, and silver might be my favorite
new holiday color combo. 

Cake toppers, tutti-frutti shoe clips, and a repurposed
flower bunch were the founding members of the
corsage I call, "California Christmas."

One never knows when miniature citrus fruit, roses, and
plastic, beach-party figurines will come in handy. 

Growing up in Southern California, I always made
like Bing and dreamt of a "White Christmas."

These days, I will happily take a California
Christmas every time; where else is it socially
acceptable to go for a tandem ride on a giant, vintage
ornament in the dead of winter wearing only a bathing
suit (a grossly-immodest bathing suit at that)?

How do you feel about Christmas corsages - or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa corsages for that matter?  Are you breaking out the glitter and the glue gun for some crazy holiday crafting this year?  Let us know what you're making.

Cheers!

Mr. Tiny

Collecting: A Christmas Care Package from Santa's Village

I'm cutting it close, but there is still time for one last Christmas post before the day is done!  I will start it by wishing that all those of you who are so inclined had a wonderful day and that all of your Christmas wishes came true.

I used to believe in karma.  It seemed only fair and decent that some cosmic force meted out a universal justice; good was ultimately rewarded with good and bad with bad.  For most, it must be comforting to know that eventually the good and positive energy they put out will earn them a good and positive outcome.  For people like me, the idea of karma always filled me with dread.  What karmic justice would be issued for my cursing the name of every last driver in the Target parking lot?  What would karma think of my regular practice of getting in the express lane with one more item than is allowed - just to test the system?  And I don't even have to ask to know that karma was not smiling on me for the things I was thinking about Santa after our recent run in as detailed in a previous post.  Karmically speaking, I'm a jerk.  So, I always prepare myself for the worst.  Yes, I used to believe in karma - until the mail arrived on Friday.

The postman's delivery let me know immediately that karma is a ruse.  What other explanation could there be for a gift so wonderful and so wonderfully unexpected.  My usual delivery of bills, jury summons, and more bills always indicated that karma was in full force.  Little did I know that my brief mention of Santa's Village in a previous blog post would result in a surprise-package filled with Santa's Village collectibles and assorted Christmas wonders. 

An unused Santa's Village notepad

Illustration from the notepad

Illustration from the notepad

Illustration from the notepad

The Santa's Village Box would have been more than enough, but there was more to be found inside!

Inside the box was a cornucopia of Christmas cheer!
Vintage greeting cards, garland, ornaments, Christmas light bulbs and even cowgirl & indian hankies

And still there was more!
Christmas stamps & labels, stickers, buttons, toys and findings

Now this is how I say "Christmas!"

And then there were the SoniCard Musical Greetings - musical postcards!
The record player accommodated the whole postcard so we could listen to "Jingle Bells" and "Silent Night."

Not Christmas related but equal in its ability to inspire yuletide jolliness is this awesome square dancing bumper sticker.
If this is Santa's apology, I accept! 

If there is one life lesson that I have learned from this amazing box, it is that our actions have no consequences.  Either that, or karma took Christmas off.  To be perfectly honest, I am truly concerned that the latter is more likely to be true and now I fear that the karmic retribution will be rather intense.

All kidding aside, I am truly grateful to the senders of this wonderful Christmas gift.  The older I get, the harder it gets to fully embrace the spirit of the season and this really made my wacky tacky Christmas very merry!  Furthermore, all of this wacky tacky goodness has easily made up for any residual disappointment I harbored for never actually making it to Santa's Village.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Holiday Cheers!

Mr. Tiny