Kitsch-en Kounter: "Give Me LIBERTY [Jell-O] or Give Me Death!!!"

Call it a fixation, if you must, but there is nothing wrong with a grown man constantly thinking about the evolutionary trajectory of a Barbie/princess cake.

If you've been playing along at home, you may recall Blinky,
the Bearded-Lady Cake, who was the centerpiece of our Family 
Freak Show Birthday Party.

Our friend's recent marionette wedding at the Bob Baker
Marionette Theater resulted in this naughty, little nuptial-
themed number. 

Left with the other half of the doll that I used for the groom's legs (above), I pondered the potential for the remaining torso, arms, and head.  This year it was clear that we should celebrate that bastion of hope and freedom, The Statue of Liberty.  With a Barbie cake always on my mind, I was confident I had at least one half (the top half) of our 4th of July Kitsch-en Kounter recipe all ready to go.

Well...almost all ready to go.
I had to drape a toga, steal the finial from a small flag for the torch, permanently
bend one arm, and make a tablet and the iconic coronet out of chip board.  In a
time when some of our most prominent celebrities are transitioning, I didn't give
a second thought to using this violet-haired man for the the Statue of Liberty;
indeed, they both share that same square-jaw, strong nose, and full lips - a
Classical profile is timeless and of free from gender...plus it's the only doll
torso I had in stock... 

And then it was time to paint.
Because realism is so vital to our Kitsch-en Kounter mission, I couldn't just
paint the darn thing green.  First I applied a few light coats of metallic, gold
spray paint.  The verdigris was achieved with a wash of acrylic craft paint in
Caribbean Blue.  Yes, realism is paramount to our operation...with food
safety taking a distant second.

Cake would have been the obvious choice for Liberty's nether regions but I wanted something that truly screamed 4th of July!!!  Instead of cake, I decided to further along the Barbie cake's evolution by once again exploring the possibilities of America's favorite gelatinous food medium - Jell-O.

'Merica
To give the lime-flavored gelatin some opacity, I added
a can of sweetened, condensed milk.  To get a color match,
I added a few drops of aqua food coloring.

Up until this point, I had everything I needed on-hand to complete the craft/recipe.  Strangely enough, I hadn't considered a mold.  And what would a Jell-O mold be, after all, without a mold?  That's right...just Jell-O.

After much ferreting around in the deep recesses of the cupboards, I came up empty handed.  I needed a Jell-O mold with some height and a bit of movement and texture to evoke the sweeping skirts of our statuesque inspiration.  And then a strange thing happened; I remembered the best-selling vase from the home-furnishings retailer in which I worked many years ago.  It was the correct height and had the organic fluting that I wanted.  With no hope of finding the vase, I resigned myself to a hopeless search through the local thrift stores for something that might work.  Believe it or not, the very first store into which I set foot yielded the exact vase for which I was looking - an unprecedented bit of good luck!!!

Sometimes I wish my luck would operate on a grander scale...but for today, I suppose this will do.

See those undulating lines?
Don't they remind you of the Statue of Liberty's skirt too?!!!

Given that this was a glass vase (with a thick-sham base and all that fluting) rather than an aluminum Jell-O mold, I was more than slightly nervous about un-molding my creation.  After 24 hours in the fridge, I gingerly set the vase into a sink full of warm water and said a quick prayer to the statue's first sculptor, Frédéric Auguste Bartholdi.

Prayers are answered, folks.

Moments later, after a fair bit squelching, I was looking at the
wobbly beginnings of our lime Jell-O Lady Liberty!

Just like Bartholdi and the French government before me, it had come time to assemble my statue and present it as a gift to the people of America - but not without some finishing touches.

Did I paint a birthday candle and cut it down so Lady Liberty
would have a functioning torch?  You'd better believe it, buster.

No Jell-O salad would be complete without a garnish.  I used curly parsley
and maraschino cherries - exactly like Liberty Island in New York Harbor.

"Give me your tired, your poor,

Your [jiggling] masses, yearning to [eat] free..."

Heck, with phrases like that, the Statue of Liberty sounds like she's talking about "People Like You and Me."

"People Like You and Me" - The Glenn Miller Orchestra in Orchestra Wives

Happy 4th of July, you wacky tacky turkey necks!!!


Cheers!

Mr. Tiny

Kitsch-en Kounter: I Heart Independence Party Pie!

In this age of wine snobs, cheese snobs, beer snobs, and serious gourmands whose only culinary credibility stems from countless hours spent watching "Chopped" marathons on The Food Network, I have happily embraced the credo, "I'm a fatty not a foodie."  It isn't that I lack appreciation for quality ingredients prepared in a skillful manner, it's that I've never encountered an artisanal, house-made catsup that can stand up to the classic, everyman's ketchup.  Put simply, "foodie" is highbrow and highbrow ain't my brow.

Okay, so maybe this makes me a ketchup snob???
(Source)

I knew I was a hardcore fatty after a recent reminder that in high school the currency in which I dealt was hamburgers.  When I needed a ride or a favor, there were at least three people I knew who I could easily bribe with a 99¢ fast food hamburger.  Even out shopping I could more easily determine the value of something by forgetting dollars and cents and asking myself, "Is this really worth ten value-menu hamburgers;" it very rarely was.  Fortunately, my tastes have matured and fast food has all but been eliminated from my life.  Nevertheless, I feel that the brilliant tutelage I received from my internal economics professor left me with the understanding of the true value of a hamburger....er, dollar.  It is no small wonder then that my keen sense of food and home economics encourages the regular utilization of a wacky tacky foodstuff that provides more bang for the buck and more bounce to the ounce than any other paltry pantry item, namely Jell-O!

J-E-L-L-OOOOOO!!!!
Coming at you in True Stereo 3Dimension!!!!!
It must be said that I am not a fan of anything blue-flavored
(who's ever heard of a blue raspberry???) but, when making a
4th of July dessert, one must adhere to an extremely-rigid color code!

Our Betty Crocker ColorVision Cake, our Tricky Dick's St. Patrick's Day Trifle, and our Lobster Gelatin Mold all made the most of Jell-O's signature flavor, color, and jiggle!  With America's Independence Day upon us, it was up to me to make a dessert that would celebrate all the history of our great nation and all of my homespun, fatty sensibilities; there was no question that Jell-O would be involved.  When I stumbled upon a vintage recipe for "Stained Glass Cake," I knew that with a few minor adjustments I would have a firework-level flavor explosion worthy of the 4th of July!

The first adjustment was to the name of the dessert; a graham cracker
crust filled with a creamy Jell-O confection definitely read more pie
than cake.  This was an Independence Party Pie!  The second adjustment
was the shape of the dessert; I love America and the only way to show it
was with a heart-shaped springform pan...or maybe the circular springform
that was lurking in the furthest recesses of the cupboard was rustily singing,
"'Spring' Will Be A Little Late This Year"....

For as simple as Jell-O seems, it can actually be a tricky medium in which to work when multiple colors and textures are involved.  Furthermore, this recipe called for pineapple juice, which any Jell-O aficionado knows is a big Jell-NO!  I learned that, when heated beyond a certain temperature, the naturally-occurring agents in fresh pineapple/pineapple juice that inhibit the gelatinous properties of Jell-O become inactive - crisis averted!  And still, this Independence Party Pie required much more tempering, folding, congealing, and general babysitting than most Kitsch-en Kounter food experiments; removing the whole thing from the heart-shaped springform pan was actually the easiest part!

Independence Party Pie!
It looked pretty good but was it worth the effort?

As usual, my food styling skills leave a little to be desired, but it
received a rating of five sparklers out of five from the National
Pyrotechnic Food Rating Council of America (not something I made up...
Look it up; it's totally real).  All I can say is that the NPFRCA and
the folks around here had  better enjoy it while it lasts because I
won't be making Independence Party Pie for at least another year!

Are you a fan of Jell-O? How are your Jell-O skills - molding, layering, etc.?  How do you spend the 4th of July (I know we have plenty of wacky tacky turkey necks outside the US; please feel free to chime in)?

Happy Independence Pie Day!!!

Cheers!

Mr. Tiny

p.s. No catsup was harmed in the making of this Independence Party Pie.
p.p.s As it turns out, the NPFRCA (National Pyrotechnic Food Rating Council of America is NOT real.  The editors regret any confusion.

Kitsch-en Kounter: Tricky Dick's Irish Trifle

St. Patrick's Day always makes me wonder what the Irish think of our antics - the mad rush for corned beef brisket, the boiled cabbage, the marshmallows and instant pistachio pudding...  That's part of everyone's St. Paddy's dinner menu, right?  Well, it always is at our March 17 festivities.

Among the many other offerings that have little-to-nothing to do with genuine Irish cuisine, a healthy concoction of non-dairy whipped topping, pistachio pudding, crushed pineapple, and marshmallows that we so cleverly refer to as "Green Fluff" takes pride of place next to the dyed-green beverages and other obligatory St. Patrick's Day staples.

"Green Fluff"
While recipes vary, this is the basic ratio that we generally use:
1 - 8oz. tub of non-dairy whipped topping, 1- 10 oz. can of crushed pineapple,
1 - 3.4 oz. package of instant pistachio pudding mix, 1 1/2 Cups of mini marshmallows.
(In a stroke of further Irish fakery, I added some shredded coconut because I had a little left in the pantry)

In looking up information on the origins of this dessert (my grandmother was creative but with a blender absent from the necessary tools for this recipe, I knew it couldn't have been born of her imagination), I discovered that Green Fluff is an American creation of 1970's pedigree, better known by its era-appropriate moniker, "Watergate Salad" (leave it to our great nation to define something with negative nutritional value as a salad).

Kraft Foods lays claim to the creation of Watergate Salad but I like to believe the version of events that gives credit to a crafty sous-chef at Washington, D.C.'s own Watergate Hotel...yes, that Watergate Hotel.  Upon further investigation, I learned that there was also a recipe for a pistachio-pudding-based Watergate Cake.  As if Watergate Salad wasn't scandalous enough, my favorite one-liner about the cake is that it has "a cover-up frosting and is full of nuts."

Mmmmmm...green cake.
Much like the salad recipe, recipes for the cake have slight variations but are at their
core an easy combination of pre-made ingredients - cake mix, pudding mix, soda pop.
To unify the flavor profile, I added some drained, crushed pineapple to the mix.

wacky tacky is proud to remain politically-neutral on most occasions; as Richard Nixon's name generally elicits discussions of corruption and unsavory political practices, we thought it would be more fun to implicate him in the sweetness of our own culinary crimes.  Combining the frothiness of Watergate Salad with the green glory of Watergate Cake, we imbued our St. Patrick's Day dessert with the spirit of President Nixon (of Irish descent on both sides of his family) and created "Tricky Dick's Irish Trifle."

"Tricky Dick's Irish Trifle"
I am ever tempted to elevate kitschy recipes by upgrading ingredients (real
whipped cream, freshly-shelled pistachios, etc.) and implementing more
finesse.  It is then that I remember the old saying, "That would just be putting
lipstick on a pig."  And everyone knows, a fresh-faced pig is the purdiest pig.
Therefore, I just load on the inappropriate toppings like gummy lime wedges
and pearly-green Sixlets.

"I am not a crook!"
This kid can handle his scandal.
Once he deemed it edible, everyone
 dug into dessert with gusto!

Seriously, one taste of Tricky Dick's Irish Trifle and you'll be ready to chase the snakes out of the Emerald Isle, swim in a green river, exchange strands of plastic beads (since when was SPD reduced to Irish Mardi Gras?), and enjoy all of the other "traditional" activities for which St. Patrick's Day should be celebrated.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

Cheers!

Mr. Tiny

Kitsch-en Kounter: Betty Crocker's ColorVision Cake

Usually, I don't go in for boxed cake mixes.  Sure, they can be doctored to achieve scratch-ish results; although, by the time one does the doctoring, it is just as easy to measure one's own dry ingredients to achieve a superior product.  No really, I'm not a cake snob (well, maybe a little...but it would be unforgivable to not have a refined palate after consuming such an unholy amount of baked goods).  It's just that if I'm going to put in all the effort of baking a cake, I simply want it to be the best cake possible.

Everywoman's Magazine - April 1952

Inspired by the cover of Everywoman's Magazine from April 1952 (doesn't every man have back issues of Everywoman's lying around?), I decided that enough time had passed since my last cake-baking fiasco to give the whole thing another go.  I didn't even have to "See pages 50-51 for Everywoman's April Cover Cake Recipe;" all I had to do was flip the magazine over to find a recipe perfectly suited to my abilities (fingers crossed).

Betty Crocker's ColorVision Cake
The instructions are simple: prepare a box of Betty Crocker's Yellow Party Cake Mix as
directed on the package, add just three tablespoons of your favorite Jell-O flavor (in
powdered form), and bake as directed for a "new kind" of spectacularly-hued cake.
  That's...well...a piece of cake!

I am in love with Technicolor.  I find it hard to articulate but in my mind the whole world used to appear in Technicolor.  I don't mean that in reference to a popular color palette; I mean that, based on the countless movies I've seen, I would expect that, given the opportunity to go back in time, I would find a world of texture and color much like the advertisement above - saturated but soft, intense but hazy, bold but bashful.  I know it isn't so; I know that the colors and textures we this year are the same as yesteryear but it's nice to dream!  I figured the closest I'd get to my bold vision of color was a Technicolor cake in the form of Betty Crocker's ColorVision Cake.

Feeling a bit like a hypocrite, having just preached an entire sermon on my preference for scratch cakes, I decided to be true to Betty Crocker circa '52 - prepared cake mix to the rescue!  Using one box of cake mix and one box of Jell-O, I followed the instructions to the tee.

Or as closely as I could...
Searching the pantry for Jell-O, I came a cross a yellow
cake mix of a different manufacture.  Surprised that it was
still within the "Use By" date, I figured that it would be more
prudent to use the cake mix I already owned rather than go out
to buy a new one for the sake of brand loyalty - economy first!

I love peach-flavored everything - candy, soda pop, ice cream.  Thusly, I felt the choice of peach gelatin was truly inspired...until about halfway through the process.  Given the myriad of color/flavor options available to create a TECHNICOLOR CAKE, I went with the one that was, for all intents and purposes, REGULAR CAKE colored!  I actually had a box of Jolly Rancher, green-apple-flavored gelatin dessert in the cupboard and I still went with peach!  I am a peach fiend!

I read somewhere that creating an aluminum foil snuggie around the cake
pans results in cake layers that are less-domed...I thought I'd give it a shot.

In doing a little internet-based research, I discovered that Betty Crocker's website still offers the ColorVision Cake cake among its current catalog of recipes.  I also noticed that a few alterations to the recipe had occurred over the last 61 years.  Firstly, the new recipe calls for a white cake mix; that one actually makes sense as a white cake will allow for a more accurate representation of the desired color.  Secondly, the icing recipe underwent a complete overhaul moving from a Swiss Meringue to a more traditional buttercream.  A flavored buttercream would have been much easier but again, I intended to see this cake through just as 1952 Betty would have wanted me to.

The original icing recipe is as follows:

The remaining powder from the Jell-O packet
2 egg whites
1 C. granulated sugar
1/8 tsp. cream of tartar (I had to eyeball that one.  Is there an 1/8 tsp. measure?  If there is, it wasn't on my measuring spoon ring.)
1/4 C. Water

Combine all ingredients in the top of a double boiler and beat on the high speed of an electric mixer or with rotary beater until icing holds stiff peaks.  Remove from over boiling water and beat about one minute longer.

I don't have a hand held mixer so I used a whisk and then transferred the
contents to a stand mixer to whisk further.  Until just now I couldn't for the
life of me figure out why my arm ached for the rest of the day.
I'm obviously out of shape, whisking and otherwise.

That's what we in the business call a "stiff peak."
The icing ends up being a frothy hybrid of meringue and
marshmallow creme - kind of interesting, kind of unusual.

So much for the aluminum foil "snuggie"
Exaggerated only slightly by the angle of the photo and the hack job
 I did with the icing, this ColorVision Cake was seriously doming. 

What better to treat you with
 than candy peach rings?

For the filling I went rogue.
Determined to use what I had on hand (a cup of white chocolate morsels and some sweetened condensed
 milk), I created a faux ganache, adding both food coloring and some of the dissolved peach Jell-O. 

If there is a theme, in this instance "processed and peachy," I'll run with it.
I served the cake with a dollop of whipped cream and some sliced, canned peaches. 

The Top 5 Realities of Making Betty Crocker's 1952 ColorVision Cake:

1. It takes a lot more than a few scoops of powered gelatin to make something a ColorVision Cake.  Disappointed with the colors (partially my fault for choosing peach), I added a heck of a lot of food coloring to every step (cake, filling, and icing) and still wasn't amazed by the color.
2. I am not a frosting guy anyway, but the foamy meringue/marshmallow creme thing really wasn't doing it for me.
3. Next time (although I have it on good authority that there will not be a ColorVision Cake next time) get wild.  There are unusual flavors, colors, and combinations that can be achieved with Jell-O and I went with something pretty mundane - next time green apple or nothing!
4. Cakes never look as great as they do in the pictures.
5. One should always bake cakes from scratch.

Have you tried any old recipes lately?  Have you had any baking disasters/triumphs about which we should know?  What's your favorite flavor of Jell-O?  Will you give the ColorVision Cake a try?  If you do, please let us know how it turns out.

Cheers!

Mr. Tiny