Kitsch-en Kounter: Putting The Cherry on Top!

I love maraschino cherries!  To me, anything can be made immediately more special with the addition of these supernatural delights (natural bounty enhanced by the addition of the food color, sugar, etc. makes them pretty darn super, am I right?).  I must talk about my love far too often because a few years ago for my birthday, a friend at work gave me a gallon jar of maraschino cherries.  A very happy birthday indeed!

See what I mean?
A cherry takes plain old pudding from
pedestrian to pleasing.

An ordinary cake is elevated by the very presence of cherries.

From puddings to Christmas Hams, maraschino cherries make EVERYTHING better!!!

Many years ago, under the auspices of some long-forgotten benefactor, my family got to eat at Club 33 at Disneyland.  Much of what happened that day is lost to time and poor memory, but the thing I remember most vividly is the fact that I was allowed to order a 7-Up (we rarely had the privilege of ordering anything but water) and in that soda was not one, but two, candied cherries - one red, one GREEN!  Oh, the hedonism!  I have yet to be diagnosed, but there must be some kind of syndrome/disorder where one can barely remember one's own phone number, but can remember the details of a single soft drink that was consumed more than twenty years ago!

Recently, I came across a recipe of mid-century origins for a maraschino cherry cake.  I am not a baker; I think it's because I don't like recipes very much.  I love to cook, but as insatiable as my sweet tooth might be, I find that my talents are better suited to the savory end of the culinary spectrum where measurements don't have to be so exact.  My love of maraschino cherries extends so far that I even incorporate them into savory recipes like my Pineapple Upside-Down Loaf.  Undeterred by natural inability to bake, I set out to make this cherry cake and make it (bake it) I did.

The cake was leaning...looks like I over-corrected to compensate

.

My mom said that an old family friend was the inventor of the maraschino cherry.  "That can't be," I thought to myself.  The maraschino cherry is as old as the maraschino cherry tree.  Indeed, he would have to be an OLD family friend as the maraschino cherry is named for the Marasca wine-soaked cherries of 16th Century Croatia!  It turns out, he was instrumental in developing the modern process for brining/curing/coloring maraschino cherries.  My debt of gratitude can never be paid.

Maraschino Cherry fun facts:

* In 2009, 8.86 million pounds of cherries were brined to create Maraschino Cherries. (Source)

* In America, 1.2 lbs. per capita of Maraschino Cherries are consumed annually. (Source)  That is about equal to their consumption of fresh cherries at 1.9lbs. (Source)

* Maraschino Cherry is a common name given by the FDA to any processed cherry in which the fruit has been "dyed red, impregnated with sugar, and  packed in a sugar syrup flavored with oil of bitter almonds or a similar flavor." (Source)

I would share the cake recipe that I used, but the fact is that the internet is just lousy with recipes for Maraschino Cherry Cakes and as promising as the recipe seemed this one didn't turn out as delicious as I had hoped.  It was tasty, but it didn't blow my mind.

I will take some of the responsibility because, as I mentioned, my prowess as a pastry chef has always left a little to be desired; in my mind it is because I have a hard time with "recipes."  I prefer being a tad more experimental than most baking recipes allow and I just can't seem to leave well-enough alone - this cake was no exception.  I replaced the called for walnuts with sliced, toasted almonds.  Doesn't cherry and almond seem like a more natural combination than cherry and walnut?  Don't get me wrong, old faithful walnut, I like you and your flavor profile is just tops in cookies, but almonds really "take the cake" if you know what I mean.  If I were to tweak this recipe more, I would triple the amount of cherries (at least) and throw in some more juice - I wanted a CHERRY cake!!!  

Yours until the next baking disaster adventure....

Cheers!

Mr. Tiny

Pistol Packin' Mama! A Mother's Day Tribute

Today's Woman - March 1952

Mother's Day is upon us and it can be tricky finding the right gift for mom.  Having a difficult time myself, I turned to the March 1952 issue of Today's Woman for inspiration.  

A Girdle?
Maybe, but how do I find out the correct size without spoiling the surprise?

A Weight-Loss Record?
Practical, but maybe telling mom that she needs to drop a few lbs. (40 to be exact) doesn't set the right tone for the occasion.  Also, it is hard to trust this "Wallace" character; weight loss is easy when you're just a floating head.

Mommy and Me Shampoo Goggles?
They seam ideal, but would they get here in time? And 15 cents for handling and postage?!!!
 What do I look like, a Rockefeller?

 

These gifts would be nice.  But I wasn't looking for just "nice."  I was looking for something that said, "I appreciate all the sacrifices you've made mom; I treasure the time that we get to spend together; I would not be half the man I am today without your careful and loving rearing;  I know it hasn't always been easy, but I hope I've made you proud; I love you, Mom."  Nothing quite says all of these things like an automatic handgun.

Don't relegate mom to "sales representative" for some crummy old dress manufacturer, give her the freedom to pursue the thrilling "night work" in "lonely places" about which she has always dreamed.

"Finally, my very own rod!  Thank you, Jimmy, for my WAC 'fetherlite;' now I can go work down by the docks!  That's right, with my low cost, triple safety, WAC 'fetherlite' I can plug an unruly stevedore or a dirty copper with relative ease.  It's just what I've always wanted!"

"Pistol Packin' Mama" - Bing Crosby & The Andrews Sisters

Unfortunately, the Western Arms Corporation is no longer an active dealer of firearms, according to this very thorough investigation of the company that I found online.  So, you'll just have to find a reputable dealer in your town or simply go to a bad neighborhood in your local area to find the ideal gift for your mom.  Remember, if you really loved her, you'd get her a deadly weapon. Thanks Today's Woman!  This is sure to be one happy Mother's Day!

"Bang Bang" - Janis Martin

A very heartfelt Happy Mother's Day to my own mom and all the other wacky tacky moms out there!!!  Make your mom proud and follow us on Facebook!  She'll be glad that you did.


Cheers!

Mr. Tiny

Hoopin' It Up!

I have threatened to give up on learning.  Sometimes I think that there is only so much information that my brain is capable of retaining and I fear that I am near max capacity with the essentials - movie trivia, the schedule of my TV programs, and how many ounces are in a cup.  Before I discontinue the learning process entirely, I just need to know one more thing, just one more thing and I'm done.  Since when did hula hooping become performance art?  

Not so very long ago, we went to a local "art walk," you know the kind - open galleries, vendors peddling their wares, artists, food trucks, music, hula hoopers....Hula hoopers?!!!  Yep, the headlining act for the evening was a hula-hooper...45 solid minutes of nothing but hoopin'.  Don't get me wrong, I appreciate some fancy hoopin', but 45 minutes?  By minute seventeen, I was a little, shall we say, irritated.  

Show off!
(Source)

I could have walked away, but nothing gets me as committed to a one-sided standoff like my own irritation.  Was I irritated by the hooper's unbelievable stamina?  Was I irritated by the costume choice - vampire Rainbow Bright meets homeless, pirate/stripper/hippie/nurse?  Was I irritated by the inexplicable musical selections?  (My next project is a compilation album; the working title is, "Songs to Hoop By," but I'm actually leaning towards, "Hoop, There It Is").  Was I irritated by the fact that no matter how hard I try, I have NEVER been able to master the proper hula motion and therefore, in the last 30+ years have never successfully hooped?  Had I allowed the seething bitterness of jealousy to overcome the entirety of my being?

While it's never been in women's foundation garments, I have always
pictured myself being able to hula hoop for hours with the similar
carefree countenance  of these happy hoopers.
(Source)

In short, yes.  The fact is, I pride myself on moving with relative ease.  I love to dance and hula is in my family.  My mother's formative years were spent in Hawaii (hula lessons/performances were basically mandatory) and my brother-in-law, a native Hawaiian, has worked as a professional Polynesian dancer.  Okay, so the actual Hula and the Hula Hoop have very little in common, but come on, what gives?  Why can't I hoop it up?  My best guess has something to do with a pathetic combination of factors - the relative girth of my equator, damnable gravity, and the fact that for my entire life I have been plagued by nothing but an endless stream of faulty Hula Hoops (I am concurrently penning a strongly-worded letter to the higher-ups at Wham-O).

The girl on the right is my personal hero.  Hoopin' and eating?
Heaven must be missing an angel!!
(Source)

Yeah, I can swirl it on my arm and even around my neck.  Yeah, when I was much smaller, I could use it as a "jump rope," but I could never shake the feeling that I was my parents' biggest disappointment when they saw all of the other kids on the block - feet firmly planted, knees bent, moving in an otherworldly rhythm creating a deafening hum as the beans or rice or BB gun pellets (or whatever it is they put inside there) swirled in seemingly perpetual motion - and then saw me, probably picking my nose and pretending the hoop was a steering wheel on a giant car.

That would be me - the one looking for a hiding place in the armpit of a
girl and bracing myself for impact, afraid that the hoop would somehow
break free and hit me in the face.  "No, not my glasses!"
(Source)

Anyhow, all of this got me thinking about the Hula Hoop.  My tendency is to think of pop culture fads exclusively as historical relics. I am always operating under the mistaken notion of "simpler times, simpler minds."  But try telling yourself just how terribly-modern and sophisticated you are whilst performing "The Macarena."  The mere mention of "The Macarena" reminds us that we've all been unwitting participants in the pop culture paradigm at some point in history.  Sorry, sorry, to quickly get your mind off of "The Macarena," here are some fun facts about the Hula Hoop. 

* Based on an Australian design, Hula Hoops were trademarked by Wham-O, Inc. in 1958.

* In the first four months of production, over 25 million Hula Hoops were sold (more than 100 million 

   in the first year).

* The first Hula Hoop-themed song was recorded by Teresa Brewer in 1958.

"Hula Hoop" - Teresa Brewer (1958)

* The Hula Hoop was inducted into The National Toy Hall of Fame in 1999.

* Ball bearings were the original noisemakers added to the inside of the Hula Hoop after a drastic drop  

   in sales in the mid-1960's.

* The origins of a similar hoop being used for exercise/recreation date back to the 6th Century B.C.

* I am hopeless at hoopin'.

* Although it didn't really happen that way, The Hudsucker Proxy ingeniously used The Hula Hoop as   

   a device to tell the story of corporate greed.

The Hudsucker Proxy (1994)

* Some famous hoopers of yesteryear include Art Linkletter, Jane Russell, and Sue Lyon.

Art Linkletter showing kids that adults do the darnedest things.
(Source)

Jane Russell making it look easy.
(Source)

Sue Lyon's seduces James Mason in Lolita.
Not to get too deep (or too obvious, maybe?), but could they have chosen a more appropriate
 and effective tool than the Hula Hoop to communicate the danger of Lolita -
all the innocence of a child's toy and all the hip action of much more adult pastimes
(Source)

I guess I can stop learning now as my question appears to have been answered.  Judging by this vintage photograph taken from Life magazine, hoopin' has been a performance art from the Hula Hoop's earliest days.

A performer at a nightclub floor
show getting her hoop on!
Now that's my kind of art!!!
(Source)

Here's hopin' your hoopin' is a heapin' helpin' better than mine!!!

 

"Rock-A-Hula"

Cheers!

Mr. Tiny

Sew What?! Letting the Cat Out of the Bag!

I am not a cat person.  Truth be told, I am not an anything person as I am allergic to just about everything.  Whatever gene it is that makes people melt at the sight of sweet, little kittens playing with an over-sized ball of yarn is the same one that was replaced in me by the gene that makes my eyes swell shut so I can't even see those precious, little kittens.  I have nothing against animals, or a person's deep bond with them; I only mention it because as I was browsing through some vintage issues of Better Living, I found a cat that changed my thinking and my life. 

Better Living - October 1951

The Cat's Whiskers Bag on the cover of the October 1951 issue of Better Living seemed like an ideal wacky tacky project.  It became even wackier seeing as it is February 21 and the purse is described as an "Amusing Handbag for Fall."  Leave it to me to disobey the better thinking of the editors at Better Living.  Anyhow, despite my hyper-histamine reaction to all things feline, I set out to make the cat's whiskers bag.  Below are the materials list and the instructions from the magazine should you choose to make a Cat's Whiskers Bag of your own.

Materials:

* 1/4 yd. of felt

* A bit of contrasting felt (I used vinyl)

* 2 Buttons for eyes

* 5 Pipe cleaners

* Zipper

* Embroidery floss

The instructions for this "Better Living original."

In true wacky tacky fashion, I abandoned the instructions rather early on.  The finished bag is supposed to measure 7.25" in diameter.  That seemed rather petite to me, so I just used a dinner plate for the circle template and kind of free-handed everything else.  The instructions indicate felt as the material to use, when it is clear from the photograph that the cover girl's purse is made from the same corduroy as her smart hat and coat.  Clearly, the actual purse is only inspired by the cover photo.  In turn, the wacky tacky version is also not an exact replica.  Because I increased the scale of the bag, I had to size-up the eyes and ears as well.  The bag went together very easily but it should be noted that I was rather careless and didn't employ expert techniques (read - hello, hot glue).

I used gray craft felt because it was on sale and it seemed to me that
a cat face bag wouldn't get a lot of use.  I really just intended the bag
 for blog purposes only.  When I showed it to Mary, however, she (also
not a cat lover) squealed and said that it was cool.  I explained that it
 would probably last through only one or two uses.  I am not sure of the
 lifespan of craft felt and pipe cleaners.

Resources from the back of Better Living.
I looked up Bates Fabrics and the only mention I could find
was in a blog post from What I Found.

The finished Cat's Whiskers Bag.
Aside from the felt and pipe cleaners, I used only what was in the
stash including the zipper, iridescent, aqua vinyl, and vintage,
faceted lucite buttons.  MEOW!!!

I am still deathly allergic to cats, but I will "let the cat out of the bag" and admit that there may be a little room for a cat-lover in all of us.


Cheers!

Mr. Tiny