Crazy Crafty: The ADVENT of the Dollar Store ADVENT!!!

The dollar store is the only retail environment in which I can afford to browse.  Typically, I am the type of shopper who treats a trip to the store like a combination obstacle course/scavenger hunt, jumping hurdles and ferreting out the necessary items in record time; seriously, I can do a full Costco run in under twenty minutes!  But the dollar store is a different story.  It's the one place where I don't have to casually turn items over, discretely checking for a price before gingerly setting them down, trying desperately to quell an acute onset of the vapors.  At the dollar store, I am Oprah.  It takes all of my limited will-power not to extend my beneficence to every other cost-conscious consumer, shouting, "You get some corn picks!  You get some cough drops!  You get a coloring book!" - especially at Christmastime.

Strutting the holiday aisles of the dollar store in a lordly manner, I am supremely confident in the knowledge that I can buy anything in sight - often in multiples - and still remain solvent.  It is here that I look for inspiration for Christmas crafts as there are at least 1,225 things one can do with a spray of pine cones covered in gold glitter and styrofoam snow.  This year, however, nothing intrinsically holiday-related was speaking to me.  This year, I had to search further afield; I had to hunt in the "Health & Beauty" aisle.

It occurred to me several years ago that these ordinary, weekly pill organizers made perfect sense as the foundation
of an advent calendar.  My nephew's obsession with the disposable advent calendar I sent him last year was the only motivation I needed to finally turn this dollar store bargain into a Crazy Crafty Christmas Miracle!

With some adhesive-backed craft paper from the stash and a sheet of dollar-
store stickers, we transformed the pill cases from utilitarian to beau-tilitarian.

As with all of my experiments in Crazy Crafty, I tend to go off half-cocked.  With absolutely no plan and no instructions to follow, I have to make things up as I go along (and disaster often ensues).

My original thought was just to simply glue each pill case together.
Unfortunately, that would have prohibited the proper function of those little hinged doors.

Instead, I punched a hole in the top and bottom of every Saturday and Sunday, stringing
the cases together with a double-thickness of baker's twine and bead spacers in between.

Fully-functioning advent doors reveal mini chocolate balls, holiday
stickers, money, and a few toys/trinkets that I had lying around.

Sure, it's a little cutesy for my usual taste, but I know one five-year-old who will love it!

Lest that same five-year-old think that it's all about him, I got weird and found a plastic baby at the cake-supply store, wrapping Him in bias-tape swaddling clothes and giving Him a grommet halo.

"Go, Shawty.  It's Thine birthday.
We're gonna party like it's Thine birthday!!!"

Do you have any new holiday crafting ideas for this year?  Will you too find your supplies next to the stool softeners and pregnancy tests at your local dollar store?  Whatever you've got planned for the holiday season, we hope that your days may be Merry & Bright!

"White Christmas" - The Drifters

 Cheers!

Mr. Tiny

I Die So Over DAISO!

My name is Mr. Tiny and I am a dollar-store junkie.  When funds are low and options limited, I have been known to dance stride through, with the maturity fitting a well-adjusted, adult man, the aisles of the 99 Cents Only Store (becoming more and more of a misnomer with each passing day) and/or the Dollar Tree for hours.  Within those hallowed walls I find the wildest, coolest, and most (im)practical items - items that make functioning as a human being much more pleasant.

Who doesn't need a Super Stars doll, with its feminine
form, not-to-scale masculine head, molded-plastic boots,
and violently-violet hair?

When the end of days comes, will you be prepared?
Mr. Tiny will be living off this smorgasbord of junk food
replicated in marshmallow...this stuff never spoils, folks!

By the way, I can stop any time I want to...I just don't want to right now.

The real reason I love a good dollar store is that I know I can afford anything in the whole joint; nothing is beyond the limits of my meager bank balance.  Like a French millionaire strolling past the luxury shops of the Champs-Elysees, I strut through the dollar store with a mild air of faux disdain, looking down my nose to examine some piece of merchandise, with the confidence that at any moment I could say, "I'll take everything you've got," knowing that even then, I would still only be out thirty-four dollars...plus tax.

As great as our American dollar stores have proven themselves to be, an exciting Japanese counterpart has recently graced our golden shores and vies for superiority.  This store is proof of a modern-day, discount diaspora and I refuse to be the last lay cultural anthropologist to document it!

The goal is to get to all of Southern California's
Daiso locations (for research/comparison purposes, of
course).  For this post we chose the Daiso in Torrance, CA.

I am actually taking my life into my hands by bringing you the information in this post.  I swore a blood oath (well a smoothie oath, anyway) that this little piece of Heaven on Earth would be the secret shopping spot of the original Three Musketeers who found it (we're operating on the premise that we "discovered" Daiso).  In fact, the oath was my idea but in light of our forthcoming trip to Japan, this is just too good to remain a secret for very long.  So, here I am letting the Hello Kitty out of the bag with the brilliance of DAISO!!!

That's right, this place has an entire department dedicated to "SURPRISE & FUN!"

Daiso elicits a lot of complicated feelings.  Immediately overjoyed at the Japanese wonderland of kitchen utensils in every pastel color, sponges with smiley faces, and panda-shaped cookies filled with strawberry confection, one quickly gets a sense of dread realizing that something is a little bit different in Daiso; instead of one dollar, everything (unless otherwise marked) is priced at $1.50!  Once one gets past the who-do-they-think-I-am-Nelson-Rockefeller stage, it becomes easy to forget the extra fifty cents and fill a basket full of imported goodness!

I love the Japanese because they are always creating charming solutions
to problems that you never knew you had.  Like the time you said, "Could
there please, please be a reflective, umbrella receptacle that attaches to the
handle bars of my bike?"  Or the time you were bemoaning your utter lack of
"chocolate scented soft strap animals," or your mother's shock the first time she
came to see your new apartment and was repulsed by the gross immodesty of
your completely-naked chair legs.  Daiso of Japan has the answer - gingham! 

What I want to know is, how have I been making homemade,
microwave corn dogs without a pink, plastic mold/stick set for
all of these years?  Now I can't make them any other way.

Much of Daiso's inventory has a face and nearly everything is happy to
serve the customer.  The trash cans are eerily eager for your waste. 

Even the cotton swabs are pleased to assist in ear-gunk removal.

 There is a lot to be said for good packaging and America could take a few notes from Daiso.

Twine to truss a pork roast actually binds a cartoon pig.
This little piggy seems to like it...wink!

I have often wondered if I could subsist entirely on only what I could find at dollar stores; Daiso has me thinking that I most definitely could.

They carry everything for your top...

Down to your bottom!

Harmless household items or something else entirely?
Daiso seems to have a bit of an odd side too.
Blonde "Party Wigs," Massagers for parts of your body that you didn't know
 you had, and "Banana Keepers"....I don't know Daiso, I just don't know...  

Don't worry, it gets weirder!!!  Tucked amongst the noisemakers, Jacob's ladders, and squirt guns of Daiso's toy section, hung two of the strangest "toys" I have ever seen.  But don't take my word for it...

"Instant Boobs"
Working in a similar fashion to a glowstick, a chemical reaction is produced by a
vigorous massage (see step 2), creating inflated, stick-on, latex bosoms.  Of course,
we couldn't leave the store without them...they're only $1.50!!!  Imagine all of
the worthwhile things we could buy if we didn't buy so much dollar store junk!

Not to be outdone, there is an adhesive appendage for girls with swan envy.
Do you see the bald man in the nude body suit....CREEPY!!!!
From what I understand it was this prima ballerina's final performance,
making this her "Swan Schlong."  Why does it look like a swan?!?!?!  

The greatest part about frequenting dollar stores is the fun - trying on masks, creating full dance routines in the aisles, testing products, wearing children's sun hats, getting other shoppers to sing along with the muzak, filling your lonely Saturday nights.  But don't get it twisted; I graduated from picking up items and asking the nearest employee, "How much is this," a long time ago...child's play.

The greatest part about Daiso is that very little is lost in translation...

"Special Presents.  With the delicious cake
which I made heartily, have happy time."

Daiso of Japan

Multiple Locations

www.daiso-sangyo.co.jp

Cheers!

Mr. Tiny

Sew What?! A 1950's Starlet Ensemble

Do you ever crash parties?  Do you ever plan to crash a party and then realize the day prior to the event that you were actually invited to the party and now you have to plan something to wear because the pressure increase in the paradigm shift between party crasher and party guest is like that of being thrust from the crest of wave to the very depths of the ocean floor?  Why, when it comes to the same exact party, is it so refreshingly simple to be a party crasher and so stressful being formally included?  For Mr. Tiny, the answer to that question can best be answered by his sponsor at Neurotics Anonymous - for which he has yet to find a regular group due to the problematic design schemes/chair arrangements and snack options at the meetings.

The above situation, as described in question number two, happened during our recent seasonal celebrations and left me scrambling for something to wear that was appropriate for a formal, adult, cocktail party.  It easy easy to see why we would have missed the invitation; we never drink cocktails, we rarely act like adults, and our usual concerns lean most definitely toward the informal.  If you're Mr. Tiny, options are decidedly limited.

Amber & Mr. Tiny
You can see that left with little time and precious few options, Mr. Tiny was forced
 down the Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous route - silk ascot and navy blazer.
Formal? Not really - unless it's for shipboard drinks on Thurston Howell's yacht.

If you're Mary, on the other hand, you will no doubt have an ideal ensemble (handcrafted by Mr. Tiny several years ago that you have NEVER worn before).  I guess it's true; what's old is new again - for the sartorially spoiled!

Mary & Amber
I like to think of this as an All About Eve moment...hahahaha!
It seemed to me that Mary's outfit was fitting of a young starlet
with aspirations.

Mary's party ensemble consists of a pencil skirt with
asymmetrical peplum and matching, lined bolero.
The vintage material for the skirt and bolero was inherited from
our centenarian neighbor; it has an ivory ground with slubs of
metallic threads.  Her blouse was purchased at the 99 Cents
Only Store - no joke!  Her matching brooch and earrings are
heirloom jewelry that belonged to our great-grandmother

While I was a little disappointed that Mary waited years to wear this outfit, I am glad that she remembered to bring it out of moth balls for the occasion (she actually got a chance to wear it again when she played a few songs in an opening set for Wanda Jackson!!!).  To be perfectly honest, even I had forgotten that I had ever made the darned thing.  The party was lovely, the host and hostess were gracious, and the guests were quite clever and extremely talented.  Now that I think about it, I am still not entirely sure that we were invited to a party of that caliber...

Now that we have begun a new year, it might seem regressive to reflect on the festivities of last year.  Nevertheless, we ask, did you crash any awesome parties?  More importantly, does a formal invitation change your attitude of dress?  However you party, we hope you did it in haute wacky tacky style!

Cheers!

Mr. Tiny

Crazy Crafty: Gettin' Christmas Crafty

I am normally not a crafter.  I don't have the patience, the time, the skill, or the money (crafts are EXPENSIVE) to make something that is set on a shelf and/or put away in a cupboard never to be seen again.  Don't misunderstand, I appreciate the skills of you serious crafters out there.  To be perfectly honest, I think it is out of pure, unadulterated jealousy at the nimbleness of your fingers and your never-ending ingenuity, that leaves me at odds with crafts.  Having said that, when the crafting bug bites, I bite right back - generally biting off far more than I can chew.

We live near a little plot of land that is a bastion of unachievable perfection in the world of horticulture/landscaping, namely Roger's Gardens.  For decades it has been, as A Christmas Story so beautifully puts it, a "yearly bacchanalia of peace on Earth and good will to men" - at least for the Martha Stewart set.  We try to go at Christmas time every year because the gardens are transformed into as much of a winter wonderland as Southern California can offer; stately pines end up being more lights than needles, an abundance of Christmas decorations of all sorts are available, and Santa Claus is there. A couple of years ago, while sidling through the crowds and outcroppings of merchandise, I found some tabletop, tinsel trees with beaded garlands and miniature ornaments.  In my eyes they had the primitive quality of mid-century Christmas decorations and all the sparkle of wacky tacky.  I turned one over to check the price tag and nearly had my first heart attack when I saw that this puny, little, ten-inch bit of Chinese manufacture was fifty dollars!  Before my friends could be embarrassed by the volume at which I shouted, "Fifty Dollars?!!  I could make this," I was at the 99 Cents Only Store sourcing materials for my trees.

My trees - not perfect but they get the point across
It took me two years to get them made; I told you, I'm not a crafter.
The total cost per tree is less than three dollars!
I guess that last sentence could have gone without saying...

As fate would have it, we were out doing some thrifting the other day and what did I spy, but one of those selfsame, coronary-inducing trees from Roger's Gardens.  At 96 percent off of the original price, we strapped it to the roof of the wacky wagon and brought it home.

The inspiration for my 99 Cents Store specials.
It's kind of like a glittering version of the Charlie Brown tree.
I wish there were more; I still love them!

The evidence is there, I am just not much of a crafter.  At least my trees are kind of funny and are entirely commensurate with the style guidelines of wacky tacky, right?

Have you been doing any wacky tacky Christmas crafting this year?

Roger's Gardens

2301 San Joaquin Hills Rd

Corona del Mar, CA

(949)640-5800

www.rogersgardens.com

Cheers!

Mr. Tiny  

Collecting: June Weddings & Rape Whistles

A few weeks ago we had the good fortune to go hang out with our friends Lauren (Wearing History blog/Wearing History Patterns) and her husband.  She took us to some of the "secret spot" thrift stores in her neck of the woods and, while digging through the potential loot, I found an album chock full of wedding photos dating from the late 1910's through the 1950's - a serious score at only $5!  I love old photographs.  I always wonder what combination of tragedy and/or oversight leads to entire family albums being discarded and sold at tag sales, flea markets and thrift stores.  It is a boon for me because I love finding old photos - especially the kind that feature great clothes, funny faces, poignant events and ANYTHING western!  I actually came by this personal peculiarity honestly as, one day when I was very young, my mom (an inveterate trash digger) found and subsequently hung above the piano an oval frame of gleaming tiger maple and convex glass from behind which an 1890's era photograph of the creepiest-looking, twin girls stared - and continue to stare - at me no matter where I was in the room.  I am such a fan of buying up the unknown, pictorial history of other people's families that at some point I think I will forget which black and white faces hanging on the walls are actual relatives and which faces are strangers.  Here are some of the best wedding photos from my latest album.

Clearly the happiest day of their lives.

I LOVE this photo.  He looks so happy to have won her.

One with the boys...

...and one with the girls

Alone...

Together

I am a fan of a simple wedding and an extravagant marriage.  I think a huge wedding can be great but I am much more drawn to intimate nuptials and the photos of sweethearts who got married in spite of the odds.  I'll take a courthouse wedding over an extravaganza any day.

Love

To me, this is probably the most romantic photo in the bunch.

My love for old photos isn't exclusive to photos of strangers; our family home has always been filled with photo documentation of our own family history.  Every chance I get, I convince my mom to give me the photos of my ancestors that I find particularly charming and meaningful.  Since the theme of the photos is "weddings," I decided to share the wedding photo of my paternal grandparents.  They were sweethearts from a very early age and despite having personalities, theories and behaviors of the most polar-opposite variety, they were married for over 45 years.  This is a photo for which one day I know I will have to fight my brothers and sisters.

Bob & Leona
Wedding Day 1949

I give my grandpa a lot of credit for inspiring my love of swap meets and hamburgers and everything old-timey.  He loved to collect.  He loved to read.  He loved to tinker.  He loved growing tomatoes.  He was tireless in his affection for my brothers, sisters, cousins and myself.  He is the kindest person I have ever met and he continues to inspire me more than 15 years after his passing.  Yes, my grandpa was amazing.

My grandma?  Well, my grandma was crazy.  Her name was Leona.  Tell me, have you ever met anyone named Leona that wasn't crazy?  My grandma was so deliciously a product of her generation that I miss her every day.  I think she was, quite unwittingly, the queen of wacky tacky.  Her house was always immaculate; it was truly a "place for everything and everything in its place," type of home - including every rubber band and every glass jar that she had ever gotten her hands on.  A great many years had passed, but to Leona, the Great Depression was still in full swing.  I don't think she threw out a morsel of food in her entire existence.  Every leftover made its way into a soup, a meatloaf or one of her famous jell-os.  Her dinner table groaned under the bounty of food that was just enough to feed my family - who on any given day could eat any army under the table.  My favorite stories to share about "Mima Lee" (the affectionate moniker we bestowed upon her only after she died) include pot holders, vacuum cleaner bags, answering machines and rape whistles.

My grandma lived in the desert and living in the desert is hot.  She complained to my uncle enough times about the blistering temperature of the steering wheel in her Buick that he finally bought her a steering wheel cover.  Apparently that gesture was far too little and far too late.  My grandmother, mistress of innovation, had already solved her problem and decided that pot mitts, being sufficient to protect her hands from the scalding heat of roasting pans, were the perfect solution.  She could be found driving around Sun City, CA wearing seasonally-appropriate pot mitts.  Yep, they changed with the seasons.

My grandma, in an effort to outsmart the 99cents Store and their outrageous mark-ups, only shopped at her local 98cent + Store.  Feeling that the check she gave each of us for Christmas was too impersonal, she always loaded up gift bags with the very best trinkets and treasures to be had for 98cents +.  One year she showed up at our house and put all of our presents under the tree.  However, something was decidedly different that year; the gift bags had a dull-grey finish, a cardboard adapter and printed instructions.  Did you know that at the 98cent + Store holiday-themed gift bags are $0.98 each but vacuum cleaner bags are 3 for $0.98.  You do the math.

My grandma could not figure out her answering machine.  She hounded us for months to come out to her house so we could record the outgoing message.  During a visit to her house, we sat down and finally recorded her outgoing message and she was grateful.  She was grateful until her sister, a real downer, called her and, unable to reach my grandma, heard the following,  "Hello, you have reached Leona's House of Ecstasy.  If you are a gentleman caller, please leave your vital statistics and she will gladly return your call."  After that, we started receiving threatening messages on our answering machine.  Where was her sense of humor?

My grandma had extra toothbrushes in almost every drawer in her house.  She decorated her Christmas Tree with porcelain dolls.  She employed the blender in almost every meal that she prepared.  She hid her coin collection in the air ducts.  Oh yeah, she loved us.  I know because she gave each of us a new rape whistle every year.


Cheers!

Mr. Tiny

Crazy Crafty: Going MarioNUTS!!!

Much like my life in general, my collecting is unfocused and totally lacking in direction.  Unfortunately, I am unable to limit myself to any specific time period, product or manufacturer.  In essence, I am a hoarder - the modern incarnation of Red Foxx as Fred Sanford  - dealing in junk but also wallowing in it.  The real trouble is that I am surrounded by enablers.  For example, the kid sis was driving around looking at garage sales one day and, stopping at a promising home, she found two issues of Children's Activities Magazine. With a sure understanding of the breadth of my aptitude, the depth of my skill level and the limits of my attention span, she bought them for me.

Children's Activities was published from 1940 - 1948 

and was the model for and precursor to Highlights Magazine

A collection of Children's Activities that is

currently available for purchase on eBay.

I was thrilled upon flipping through the well-preserved pages of my copies of the May 1940 and October 1943 Children's Activities to see that nary a puzzle was completed nor paper doll cut from either issue.  Fatefully, I thumbed a bit further and stumbled across the coloring pages.  To my horror, I found a reckless disregard for coloring inside the lines and a total lack of propriety when it came to realistic representations of colors as they exist in nature.  Furthermore the directions said, "Little Brown Bear is wearing his new orange blouse and blue tie."  Why then would this little miscreant give the Little Orange Bear a green blouse and a red tie?  I paused, recognizing that these pages were more than likely colored in the throes of WWII, and gave the kid a break.  Moreover, I realized what a treasure it was to have these colored pages.  In my eyes they enhance the value of the magazine and document the history of the original owner, namely Darrel McCurdy of Wichita, Kansas.  Every now and again I will return to the pages of Children's Activities and find a real brain teaser -  I still haven't found the train hidden somewhere in the picture of grandma's attic.  On a recent visit to the magazine, however, I found a project complete with instructions on how to create a marionette out of peanuts.  If that isn't fodder for wacky tacky-ana, then I don't know what is!!

I embark on the journey of projects like this with one thought in mind - they were designed for a small child to accomplish.  Surely I, a grown man, could make quick work of this marionette.  I knew I would be performing apres-dinner spectacles the likes of which the Von Trapp children could not even dream!  As it turns out, my crafting skills are marginal at best and the peanut marionettes were a challenge.

Really, who would think that finding peanuts in the shell would be one of the most difficult parts of this endeavor?  Thankfully, the 99cents store came to the rescue!  For the handles we used paint stirrers - free at The Home Depot.  In the end, this was our least expensive wacky tacky project - if one assigns absolutely no value to time! 

Four hours later, the "marionuts" were ready for prime time!

Mary gave her marionut a snappy turban and named her An-nut Funicello.

Ever the rule follower, I adhered rather closely to the illustration in the 

magazine, only straying far enough to add a jaunty bow tie to Tony Ben-nut.

 

 

A special prize awaits you at 3:44

I'm not quite sure that we are of the same caliber as Mr. Bob Baker and his theatrical troupe of marionettes, but I do offer a warning to the Von Trapp children - überwachen Sie Ihre Rückseiten!!!  (literal translation of "Watch your backs, suckas!!!" - according to the translator on my computer)

Yeah, I'm talking to you!

Ideas for your marionut:  Don K-nuts, Marie Antoin-nut, Presi-nut Obama, Edward Nut-on,

Desi Ar-nut, Peanut Pan, Oprah Wingnut - the possibilities are endless!

Cheers!

Mr. Tiny

**SAD UPDATE: The YouTube Gestapo took away the cleverly-edited soundtrack to our puppet video citing potential copyright infringement.  No matter how often we argue the "fair use" card of such songs as "I've Got No Strings," "I'll String Along with You," and "Funeral March of a Marionette" (a song probably in the public domain), they say no dice.  One of these days we'll get around to re-scoring our Mario-nut Masterpiece.